It's been awhile

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

Today..the big kids had Mom's Day Out, and sweet Maggie and I were home alone.  I had plans, wanted to get the house cleaned up...it had gotten a little disorganized and we just NEED some major organization to make this place flow.  So I fed Mags and got her down for a nap, and laid her in our bedroom in her bed so I could clean and not worry about waking her up with my noise.

I threw in some headphones, put on my favorite Pandora station and went to work.

Now our bedroom is on the other end of the house and I was focused.  I thought I heard her peep once so I listened for her, heard nothing, and went back to work.  I went out into the addition.  From here, without a monitor, I definitely couldn't hear Mags, but I knew she was sleeping so I thought I had a few minutes.  While I was out there I made up the guest bed and cleaned up the kids toys. I wasn't super quick, but I didn't take an hour or anything...

I came back in and grabbed a basket of the girls' clothes to put away and walked down the hall.  I thought I better check on sweet Maggie and went into my room.  I found her in hysterics.  Not an exaggeration..her whole body was shaking with sobs and she was wet from a cold sweat.  Literally clammy.  My precious, not even one month old baby, crying in pure fear (I imagine).

My heart broke.  I felt so so sad for her. I picked her up and held her immediately, looked her in her eyes and spoke as soothingly as possible to her....I wanted her to know she was safe and loved and not abandoned...though I am sure to her tiny self it felt as if she had been.

I just couldn't handle that I scared my little one that much.

Thankfully, Brad came home then and talked me off the ledge of feeling like I ruined her...kidding..but really...

But then all day I just couldn't get out of my head how little orphans must feel.  Or these sweet little babies I read about in the news that are abused and neglected.  My heart and soul were raw today just thinking that my Maggie was only alone for a few minutes and how scared she was at not having someone answer her cries...these children are left alone much longer and in much worse conditions than a safe bed, swaddled in a blanket.

I just feel like the Lord spoke to my heart today.  I don't know what that means necessarily.  I'm not sure what He was saying exactly..but He was definitely making it clear I'm not to be complacent about this.  About precious children who have nothing of what my children have. Those who don't know the love of a mama, or a daddy, or what it feels like to be comforted and soothed and protected when they're scared. What I do know - I have been praying for the Lord to reveal to me where I might serve him best in the coming years - and I feel like maybe it has something to do with this.  No idea what that will look like. But it has weighed heavy on me all day...so I just needed to get it out.

Also...baby Mags pictures. Coming soon.  Born 5/24/15 - she's perfection.