Oh...why?

Fair Warning.  This could be long winded. And kinda rambly (if that's a word)

So.  I started a new job awhile back.  I'm not digging it.  I'm really really trying to like it.  It's just really hard. Don't get me wrong, I really like the people I work with..they are fabulous and super friendly and helpful! I also very much enjoy beign back in the critical thinking world.  However,  I L-O-V-E-D my job in Austin...I'm sure I've made that abundantly clear.  It was my dream job, I would go back there in an instant given the opportunity. (Or I would transplant them all here)  

Here's the deeper struggle.  Where do I fit?   Am I am stay-at-home mom?  Am I a working mom?  I can't really figure it out, and it's really a struggle for me right now.  

Yesterday at work I introduced myself to one of the doctors (there are so stinking many of them I'm still meeting them) and he asked if I was new.  I said yes, but that I'm only PRN so that's why I haven't met him yet.  To which he responded with "Oh..why?"  I instantly felt like I had to validate myself and explain to him that I'm not lazy. I don't sit around and watch tv all day...but seriously.  Why did I feel like I had to do that?  My identity should not be in this.  I explained to him that I stay home with my son, and he seemed to be satisfied with that answer.  But ouch.  

In Austin, I felt like I was a stay at home mom.  For sure.  I worked one day a week, if needed I would go in occasionally at night time to pick up a few extra hours to help out, but otherwise..one day.  Thursday.  Every Thursday I worked and Kat kept Noah and that was that.  Otherwise..my little man and I were partners in crime. 

Now...I work who knows what day, who knows what shift, and I take Noah to a daycare.  Twice a week I drop my little man off to be taken care of by a daycare.  He loves it by the way- and we LOVE the people at the daycare they take such good care of our boy.  But I still don't like it. 

I drop him off twice a week so I can go to a job I don't really love. I feel like there's something wrong with that.  Here's the deal..I could stay home completely.  I know if that was something I truly desired we would work that out. 

But it's really not.  

See I LOVE being a nurse.  Really.  Especially being an ICU nurse.  This is a ministry for me.  For real, I feel like when I am doing my job, I am trying to bring Jesus to those around me.  I feel very firmly that there is a reason that the Lord gave me the heart that I have in order to do nursing well.  

I am trying to believe that I have all these silly emotions because I'm way pregnant.  (34 WEEKS TODAY!!)  Or that it's because we have been so crazy busy at work that I am being mandated, or asked to work late almost every shift.  This turns 8 hour shifts into 12 and 12 hour shifts into 16.  (So far only been mandated once, but have stayed 2 hours over my shift about 4 times. ) It's hard, and I'm tired.  So very tired.  

Then on my days off I'm so tired I feel like Noah doesn't get my best, and our house is a mess, and sweet Brad doesn't get my best...and I feel so so very guilty about working.  

And now there will be a sweet baby.  And a crazy adorable, energetic toddler. And an awesome husband.  And I think about leaving them to go to a job I don't love...and I'm struggling.  It won't change anything.  I know my emotional heart.  I know I most likely will feel super different as soon as baby joins us.  (not about leaving baby but about the job)  But I do wonder how it will be when I'm dropping both kiddos off two days a week.  I never left Noah two days a week..not until he was 20 months old.  That guilt may just eat me.  We'll see. 

I know I'm not the first woman in history to deal with this.  I know that Noah is thriving in his daycare time.  I know that I'm at this job for a reason.  I'm just feeling it all right now.  

Here's the reason I put this out here.  I'm pretty sure a few of you still read this, and so I'm asking for some prayer.  For the following:

1. That I would find my true identity as a woman of God.  Not as a working mama or a stay at home mama.  That I will remember that no matter what I am doing...I need to do it with the goal of bringing the light of Jesus to those around me.  

2. That I will find joy in this time of transition.

3. That I will get over my issues and start to look forward to each day at work. 

4. That I will remember that this is not just a job...it truly is my ministry.

5. That on my days off I can get some energy...to love my family well and to serve them with my whole heart.  

That's it for now.  One little dude just woke up from nap so time to party! Have a great week!

2013.

It's 2013.  How on earth did that happen?

In 2013...

my sweet husband will turn 30.

our sweet son will turn 2. (TWO?!?!)

I will be 29. one step closer to the big 3-0.

we will be come PARENTS OF TWO.

TWO CHILDREN.  In 8 weeks or possibly less...we will have two little ones.

I am so so excited and so so overwhelmed all at the same time.

Talked a few plans with the doctor at my most recent appointment. We're currently waiting to find out if this girl has gestational diabetes...if I do (BOO)...then the doctor said he would probably deliver me early so that we have a chance to go without a c-section.  I'm trying to trust this will all work itself out and we won't even have to worry about this plan.  But also trying to be realistic about the fact that gestational diabetes babies are big...and we make babies plenty big without that.  So I'm praying no c-section is in our future.  I know all will be fine either way..I just know that those first weeks of living on the second floor with a toddler and an infant...after a csection.  Goodness.  It will be fine.

Either way.  I can't wait to meet this baby.  Brad let me go buy some clothes for baby this week.  I've been looking up strollers.  We're planning to transition Noah to a toddler bed here soon.  So many changes. So much fun.

I am currently trying to cherish every single minute with little man.  It's hard to grasp that all this precious time of snuggles and play will no longer be just he and I, but now with a little baby.  So cool.  I still feel like I'm a teenager sometimes..turns out I'm a mom- of 2.  Eventually I'll get it.  

On another note..about the diabetes thing...I went to have my blood drawn today for a three hour glucose.  They also needed to draw a hemoglobin a1c.  (Another diabetes test) I got a call at 3PM (after I had just left at 12:45) that they forgot to draw my HgbA1c and needed me to come back in.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  4 sticks today.  That's how many are required for the glucose test.  Four times they drew my blood and they forgot that one.  So now, Noah and I have to go back tomorrow morning to do it again.  :) I'm so excited.  I don't mind the sticks or anything else...more just the inconvenience of having to go back to to the lab with little man.  But pretty sure there are worse things. 

If I am diabetic..I was that patient today..you know, the non-compliant kind.  I ate the WORST foods after I finished...I was starving. 

Also...my job is going well.  Tough, but ok.  So far...I have been kicked off of orientation, had an admission and discharge in the same shift, taken patients to places in the hospital I didn't know existed, had a patient pass away, and today had a sudden change in status of a patient at shift change.  That's in three shifts off orientation.  That may sound like not much..but I feel like I'm treading water.  I was super thankful today because one of my supervisor's came up and said she had heard "good things" about me...which made me hopeful that my coworkers must not think I'm totally useless. YAY!!

That's it for now!  Have a great night!

Small problem.

I missed my blog.  A little.  But the holidays have been oh so busy, which has been fantastic, but boy are we thankful for some time to just rest for a bit before baby Duey joins us.  (Although if we're being honest I'm not sure what rest will be happening as we have not really prepared in the slightest for the little one..oops)

Today though, I think I did a bit of damage to my tail bone.  It's been bothering me since Rox and I went to Evansville to see El...and though I couldn't figure out why I figured I just bruised it or something when we were there?  

Then today we took Noah to this inflatable play place so he could run some energy off and I did something not nice to it.  Wouldn't be concerning to me except that we have a child coming in a little over two months.  (WHOA!) and I hear bad things about injured tail bones and child birth.  Oops.  :) So here's hoping that this bad boy heals.  It's a little embarrassing waddling around because my tailbone is in pain, especially considering otherwise I feel great but I look a bit like I'm 90.  I have to work the next two days too..so we could be in trouble.  

In other news....30 weeks on Thursday!!  I'm so excited!  :)  Can't believe little one will be joining us in 10 weeks.  How did that happen? I can't wait for Noah to meet the baby.  He is IN LOVE with Ella...so I'm super excited to see how he loves on this little one.  I'm back on thinking it's a boy right now...but I'm super focused on a girl name.  I have recently added another to our top two..making it three to choose from for girls..and we have two top boy names which I'm super content with.  

That's about it for tonight..at some point I'll have a photo dump from all the craziness of December..I did the math the other day as I was trying to figure out why I feel like we haven't been settled in a month.  It's because we haven't.  We went to Austin the first weekend, I worked the next,  I went to Evansville the next, and then we were in Lafayette for a week for Christmas, then I worked all weekend this weekend.  Whew.  That's a busy month.  But I'm so thankful because it was fabulous!  On top of all that was starting a new job, Noah in "school," and Brad working too.  Busy busy.  So we're going to enjoy some family time for the next two months.  One trip to Springfield, and hopefully a trip down to Jasper/Evansville to meet sweet baby Olivia, and a trip to Indy hopefully once baby Standeford joins the party, and then it's BABY time! So very excited!  

Ok..done for now.. here's a 29 week belly pic.  Have a great week!