Oh...why?

Fair Warning.  This could be long winded. And kinda rambly (if that's a word)

So.  I started a new job awhile back.  I'm not digging it.  I'm really really trying to like it.  It's just really hard. Don't get me wrong, I really like the people I work with..they are fabulous and super friendly and helpful! I also very much enjoy beign back in the critical thinking world.  However,  I L-O-V-E-D my job in Austin...I'm sure I've made that abundantly clear.  It was my dream job, I would go back there in an instant given the opportunity. (Or I would transplant them all here)  

Here's the deeper struggle.  Where do I fit?   Am I am stay-at-home mom?  Am I a working mom?  I can't really figure it out, and it's really a struggle for me right now.  

Yesterday at work I introduced myself to one of the doctors (there are so stinking many of them I'm still meeting them) and he asked if I was new.  I said yes, but that I'm only PRN so that's why I haven't met him yet.  To which he responded with "Oh..why?"  I instantly felt like I had to validate myself and explain to him that I'm not lazy. I don't sit around and watch tv all day...but seriously.  Why did I feel like I had to do that?  My identity should not be in this.  I explained to him that I stay home with my son, and he seemed to be satisfied with that answer.  But ouch.  

In Austin, I felt like I was a stay at home mom.  For sure.  I worked one day a week, if needed I would go in occasionally at night time to pick up a few extra hours to help out, but otherwise..one day.  Thursday.  Every Thursday I worked and Kat kept Noah and that was that.  Otherwise..my little man and I were partners in crime. 

Now...I work who knows what day, who knows what shift, and I take Noah to a daycare.  Twice a week I drop my little man off to be taken care of by a daycare.  He loves it by the way- and we LOVE the people at the daycare they take such good care of our boy.  But I still don't like it. 

I drop him off twice a week so I can go to a job I don't really love. I feel like there's something wrong with that.  Here's the deal..I could stay home completely.  I know if that was something I truly desired we would work that out. 

But it's really not.  

See I LOVE being a nurse.  Really.  Especially being an ICU nurse.  This is a ministry for me.  For real, I feel like when I am doing my job, I am trying to bring Jesus to those around me.  I feel very firmly that there is a reason that the Lord gave me the heart that I have in order to do nursing well.  

I am trying to believe that I have all these silly emotions because I'm way pregnant.  (34 WEEKS TODAY!!)  Or that it's because we have been so crazy busy at work that I am being mandated, or asked to work late almost every shift.  This turns 8 hour shifts into 12 and 12 hour shifts into 16.  (So far only been mandated once, but have stayed 2 hours over my shift about 4 times. ) It's hard, and I'm tired.  So very tired.  

Then on my days off I'm so tired I feel like Noah doesn't get my best, and our house is a mess, and sweet Brad doesn't get my best...and I feel so so very guilty about working.  

And now there will be a sweet baby.  And a crazy adorable, energetic toddler. And an awesome husband.  And I think about leaving them to go to a job I don't love...and I'm struggling.  It won't change anything.  I know my emotional heart.  I know I most likely will feel super different as soon as baby joins us.  (not about leaving baby but about the job)  But I do wonder how it will be when I'm dropping both kiddos off two days a week.  I never left Noah two days a week..not until he was 20 months old.  That guilt may just eat me.  We'll see. 

I know I'm not the first woman in history to deal with this.  I know that Noah is thriving in his daycare time.  I know that I'm at this job for a reason.  I'm just feeling it all right now.  

Here's the reason I put this out here.  I'm pretty sure a few of you still read this, and so I'm asking for some prayer.  For the following:

1. That I would find my true identity as a woman of God.  Not as a working mama or a stay at home mama.  That I will remember that no matter what I am doing...I need to do it with the goal of bringing the light of Jesus to those around me.  

2. That I will find joy in this time of transition.

3. That I will get over my issues and start to look forward to each day at work. 

4. That I will remember that this is not just a job...it truly is my ministry.

5. That on my days off I can get some energy...to love my family well and to serve them with my whole heart.  

That's it for now.  One little dude just woke up from nap so time to party! Have a great week!