So. As the pregnancy has progressed life has been more and more fun...but along with it have come a few stressful moments. I'm learning to trust in the Lord, and in His provision. I have gently been reminded by Him that He is in control of my life...He is my salvation, He will provide, He cares for me. I have to keep reminding myself of these things daily.
Side note: I totally just typed out the entire situation to explain what's happening...but that's not the point here...and basically it's just me stating the craziness for my own benefit. So here's a summary.
Our hospital was purchased. MANY things changed. We didn't know what those changes would be but we found out this week...and well...they're going to take awhile to adjust to. Most of the big changes are going to have financial impact on us...in a larger way than expected. And to be honest...I'm stressed.
HOWEVER. This week has been such an amazing testimony of the God that we serve. After the message at church on Sunday Brad and I had an awesome talk..about what we're struggling with in sin and why.
I'm struggling with not trusting God to provide. It's shameful. HE has ALWAYS provided. It's hard to say provide too...because it's not about money..I know and believe he has blessed us immensely. We make plenty. We have wanted for nothing. It's that I guess I always felt that I was assisting. Which is just laughable because all we have is HIS and because of HIM. But really, when Brad was unemployed..I never worried...and now I think it wasn't maybe so much that was I trusting in the Lord's provision but in my own security in work and ability to help us. I'll tell you...it's a little convicting.
So now..we're having this precious baby boy come February, and because of my job our situation has seriously changed. Now...I say this...but it's not like it's that bad...and I realize that. And any one thing of the many would not be a big deal...it's kinda just that it all happens at once you know? So I have been seriously struggling with what do we do? How can we best be frugal and wise..and yet trusting in the Lord to provide? And basically I have had to give up my control. Our God is SO much bigger than anything that we have going on down here.
So in our missional community we have been doing a study called Gospel Transformation, and this week was a week on living in light of the cross. It spoke about how if we are not viewing our lives through the gospel...then we miss so much about what God has done for us, and about the true condition of our hearts. So basically...if I'm not looking through the lens of the gospel and of all the Lord has done and is doing through Jesus...then I have tunnel vision. I may only see one aspect of the gospel instead of the amazing greatness of it. I may totally miss the condition of my heart. Such as how I am not trusting in the goodness of the Lord.
So anyways. I'm learning. I'm learning that even though much of this is out of my hands...this precious baby boy is coming in February either way. We are going to love and adore him in ways I know we can't even imagine. Our God knew his name before he was even in me. This baby boy that I already love so very much...that love we have for him doesn't even come CLOSE to the love Christ has for us.
GOD sent his ONLY son to die..in the most horrible way imaginable...so that WE could have a relationship and unity with Him. He used the cross which was a symbol of death..to become a symbol of amazing life for us.
How is it even remotely possible that I am worried over insurance, maternity leave, and paid time off when I have a God who has promised He is faithful and he will NEVER leave or forsake us? I mean..it's crazy right? So I'm learning. I write all this out...basically for accountability..because it's so tempting to complain, worry, and fear. Which I'll tell you gets you nowhere. All will be fine. Those small details will work out. I have a job that I absolutely love. We have the ability to get benefits..and we have the ability to allow me to work part time. We have a God who is good...all the time.
Side note: I totally just typed out the entire situation to explain what's happening...but that's not the point here...and basically it's just me stating the craziness for my own benefit. So here's a summary.
Our hospital was purchased. MANY things changed. We didn't know what those changes would be but we found out this week...and well...they're going to take awhile to adjust to. Most of the big changes are going to have financial impact on us...in a larger way than expected. And to be honest...I'm stressed.
HOWEVER. This week has been such an amazing testimony of the God that we serve. After the message at church on Sunday Brad and I had an awesome talk..about what we're struggling with in sin and why.
I'm struggling with not trusting God to provide. It's shameful. HE has ALWAYS provided. It's hard to say provide too...because it's not about money..I know and believe he has blessed us immensely. We make plenty. We have wanted for nothing. It's that I guess I always felt that I was assisting. Which is just laughable because all we have is HIS and because of HIM. But really, when Brad was unemployed..I never worried...and now I think it wasn't maybe so much that was I trusting in the Lord's provision but in my own security in work and ability to help us. I'll tell you...it's a little convicting.
So now..we're having this precious baby boy come February, and because of my job our situation has seriously changed. Now...I say this...but it's not like it's that bad...and I realize that. And any one thing of the many would not be a big deal...it's kinda just that it all happens at once you know? So I have been seriously struggling with what do we do? How can we best be frugal and wise..and yet trusting in the Lord to provide? And basically I have had to give up my control. Our God is SO much bigger than anything that we have going on down here.
So in our missional community we have been doing a study called Gospel Transformation, and this week was a week on living in light of the cross. It spoke about how if we are not viewing our lives through the gospel...then we miss so much about what God has done for us, and about the true condition of our hearts. So basically...if I'm not looking through the lens of the gospel and of all the Lord has done and is doing through Jesus...then I have tunnel vision. I may only see one aspect of the gospel instead of the amazing greatness of it. I may totally miss the condition of my heart. Such as how I am not trusting in the goodness of the Lord.
So anyways. I'm learning. I'm learning that even though much of this is out of my hands...this precious baby boy is coming in February either way. We are going to love and adore him in ways I know we can't even imagine. Our God knew his name before he was even in me. This baby boy that I already love so very much...that love we have for him doesn't even come CLOSE to the love Christ has for us.
GOD sent his ONLY son to die..in the most horrible way imaginable...so that WE could have a relationship and unity with Him. He used the cross which was a symbol of death..to become a symbol of amazing life for us.
How is it even remotely possible that I am worried over insurance, maternity leave, and paid time off when I have a God who has promised He is faithful and he will NEVER leave or forsake us? I mean..it's crazy right? So I'm learning. I write all this out...basically for accountability..because it's so tempting to complain, worry, and fear. Which I'll tell you gets you nowhere. All will be fine. Those small details will work out. I have a job that I absolutely love. We have the ability to get benefits..and we have the ability to allow me to work part time. We have a God who is good...all the time.
3 comments:
i can TOTALLY relate. in fact, i just blogged about something similar earlier today :)
The horror stories I could tell you not even COMPETE with the blessings we received as our kids were growing up. We had no insurance for any of the 4, because of lay-offs, etc. Grandpa worked every day, just our pregnancies weren't planned for insurance lol. I loved being a stay at home Mom for 17 years, and it was wonderful. God has had us in his arms our whole lives, and that is a wonderful feeling. I know I don't talk about God, Church, and Faith a lot, but believe me I know from whence our Blessings come, and they come when we least expect them, and always at the right time. Ok, little Mama, sorry if I sounded preachy, just perspective from another direction. Love you all, G
well said, very well said. you certainly aren't the only person to ever let yourself drift to think that God's provisions come through your own hard work when really your ability to do that hard work is one of His gifts! but i do know from experience that God DOES provide, and usually in ways you can't even plan for (umm, hello fantastic job offer on a scuba outing in a third world country, what?!) so even though it is very tempting to worry, He does have your back...and your belly and your bank account all taken care of, and it's awesome that you KNOW that. :) it's definitely a learning process, this whole full on trust thing, and it's so refreshing to see someone else going through it too!
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