2:15 AM.

I legitimately thought that I was sleeping better.  I'd been getting to sleep a little easier and staying asleep most of the night.  Then this week happened and I'm back up.  

To be fair, I worked until 1:15ish..so I just got home.  So I'm on the decompress cycle right now.  It actually was a good night...just a little complication right about shift change, so I needed to stay a little late. I'm ok with that...worth it when you're not forced to stay.  

I think I should explain a little more the last post.  I am not great with my words, and sometimes what I mean to say and what I actually say don't really mesh as I want them to.  My question about whether I'm a stay at home mama or a working mama was not so much a question of if I need to change the situation I am in.  More of just feeling like I don't have a "classification" per se that I fit in.  Brad and I both feel very strongly that I am supposed to be working one day a week.  One day a week to use my brain that the Lord has given me, one day to serve others outside of our home..we know this is where the Lord has led us for this season of our life.  I am just emotionally struggling because I miss my old job, and the new job is beating me down.  :)  But I have hope that will improve with the end of the baby baking that's happening.  I think my emotions will be more stable and I think I'll get back to looking forward to work again.  

I do believe that after Duey comes along I'll be cutting back my hours quite a bit.  We'll see what happens.  

In other news...

We are 5 weeks from D-Day!  I am so excited!  We have finally decided on names (YAY).  Not going to share on here for now...ya know..in case we change our minds again..but it's nice to at least know we're going in with one boy and one girl name.  

Noah is hilarious.  That's it.  He's so funny.  He is also a PISTOL.  But we're working on it.  I LOVE watching him learn.  Recently he's quite the little negotiator.  He's very into movies right now...so his new thing is to ask for a movie over and over.  He changes is up...such as he starts with "King" (Which is Lightning Mcqueen), then we move to "Nemo", then Choo-Choo (Who he recently learned his name is Thomas so sometimes we just ask for Thomas, and then we ask for George.  He has this adorable little grin when he's asking.  Even when I keep saying no.  

He also does this at bedtime.  We sing ABC's and Jesus loves me every night before bed.  No when you're finished singing one he starts asking for another.  Over and over..and when he's done with that..he's been known to cry wolf on poopy.  "Oh poopy mama, poopy, uh oh"  He also has realized that if he keeps asking me to read stories then he doesn't have to go to bed.  So we read a story from his Bible, then for his "King" book, then another Bible story...then he'll hand the books to Brad and ask him to read.  Seriously.  I mean the boy has skills.  

If we're being honest here..I'm totally letting him get me on that bedtime thing.  I am loving all the time he wants to hang with his parents.  I know these times won't last forever, and I know that we have only a month before he doesn't get to get all our undivided attention..so I want to shower him with it.  

He turns 2 in a week.  Oh my goodness.  How has that sweet boy of ours been here for 2 years?  

We start weekly appointments at the doctor on Monday.  So so so very close. 

Mom and Dad came up last weekend to babysit for us on Thursday night...totally awesome to have Mom and Dad come and hang out for the day.  The men and Noah went to the museum up in Chicago, and then Mom and I went shopping.  It was the first time ever in my adult life that my parents just got to come hang out for the day.  They have always come and visited...but it's always a week long stay because we lived so far away.  It's just really cool.  Plus...Brad and I got a date night which was also fun!

Last week one of the ladies from my mom2mom group watched Noah for me.  He LOVED her three boys..and it felt totally ok to ask someone if I could drop Noah off for an hour.  Such a blessing to my soul to feel like these women are really becoming my friends. They are so sweet and I love every time we get to spend together.  I'm so grateful.  Today I had lunch with one of the girls and her sweet daughters.  It was awesome!  We're getting there!  We're getting community slowly but surely, and I am so thankful for the people the Lord has brought into our life here.  

Brad's coworkers are great! We spent Saturday and Sunday evening with them.  They are so friendly and open.  I'm grateful for the friends he's making there.

So that's where we are.  Life is hard sometimes.  I still miss Austin every day.  I still cry often abou that..especially Sundays.  I miss our missional community.  I miss the ladies that became my soul-knit friends.  But I am starting to see the blessings here more and more.  I see how the Lord is working in each area of our life..and that's awesome.  

Anyways...feel like I have more I could type..but that could be the tired talking here.  But it is now 3:04am..and someone I know will probably be up close to 6:30am.  So I better get to sleep.  NAP TIME is calling my name tomorrow.  Have a great week!

Oh...why?

Fair Warning.  This could be long winded. And kinda rambly (if that's a word)

So.  I started a new job awhile back.  I'm not digging it.  I'm really really trying to like it.  It's just really hard. Don't get me wrong, I really like the people I work with..they are fabulous and super friendly and helpful! I also very much enjoy beign back in the critical thinking world.  However,  I L-O-V-E-D my job in Austin...I'm sure I've made that abundantly clear.  It was my dream job, I would go back there in an instant given the opportunity. (Or I would transplant them all here)  

Here's the deeper struggle.  Where do I fit?   Am I am stay-at-home mom?  Am I a working mom?  I can't really figure it out, and it's really a struggle for me right now.  

Yesterday at work I introduced myself to one of the doctors (there are so stinking many of them I'm still meeting them) and he asked if I was new.  I said yes, but that I'm only PRN so that's why I haven't met him yet.  To which he responded with "Oh..why?"  I instantly felt like I had to validate myself and explain to him that I'm not lazy. I don't sit around and watch tv all day...but seriously.  Why did I feel like I had to do that?  My identity should not be in this.  I explained to him that I stay home with my son, and he seemed to be satisfied with that answer.  But ouch.  

In Austin, I felt like I was a stay at home mom.  For sure.  I worked one day a week, if needed I would go in occasionally at night time to pick up a few extra hours to help out, but otherwise..one day.  Thursday.  Every Thursday I worked and Kat kept Noah and that was that.  Otherwise..my little man and I were partners in crime. 

Now...I work who knows what day, who knows what shift, and I take Noah to a daycare.  Twice a week I drop my little man off to be taken care of by a daycare.  He loves it by the way- and we LOVE the people at the daycare they take such good care of our boy.  But I still don't like it. 

I drop him off twice a week so I can go to a job I don't really love. I feel like there's something wrong with that.  Here's the deal..I could stay home completely.  I know if that was something I truly desired we would work that out. 

But it's really not.  

See I LOVE being a nurse.  Really.  Especially being an ICU nurse.  This is a ministry for me.  For real, I feel like when I am doing my job, I am trying to bring Jesus to those around me.  I feel very firmly that there is a reason that the Lord gave me the heart that I have in order to do nursing well.  

I am trying to believe that I have all these silly emotions because I'm way pregnant.  (34 WEEKS TODAY!!)  Or that it's because we have been so crazy busy at work that I am being mandated, or asked to work late almost every shift.  This turns 8 hour shifts into 12 and 12 hour shifts into 16.  (So far only been mandated once, but have stayed 2 hours over my shift about 4 times. ) It's hard, and I'm tired.  So very tired.  

Then on my days off I'm so tired I feel like Noah doesn't get my best, and our house is a mess, and sweet Brad doesn't get my best...and I feel so so very guilty about working.  

And now there will be a sweet baby.  And a crazy adorable, energetic toddler. And an awesome husband.  And I think about leaving them to go to a job I don't love...and I'm struggling.  It won't change anything.  I know my emotional heart.  I know I most likely will feel super different as soon as baby joins us.  (not about leaving baby but about the job)  But I do wonder how it will be when I'm dropping both kiddos off two days a week.  I never left Noah two days a week..not until he was 20 months old.  That guilt may just eat me.  We'll see. 

I know I'm not the first woman in history to deal with this.  I know that Noah is thriving in his daycare time.  I know that I'm at this job for a reason.  I'm just feeling it all right now.  

Here's the reason I put this out here.  I'm pretty sure a few of you still read this, and so I'm asking for some prayer.  For the following:

1. That I would find my true identity as a woman of God.  Not as a working mama or a stay at home mama.  That I will remember that no matter what I am doing...I need to do it with the goal of bringing the light of Jesus to those around me.  

2. That I will find joy in this time of transition.

3. That I will get over my issues and start to look forward to each day at work. 

4. That I will remember that this is not just a job...it truly is my ministry.

5. That on my days off I can get some energy...to love my family well and to serve them with my whole heart.  

That's it for now.  One little dude just woke up from nap so time to party! Have a great week!

2013.

It's 2013.  How on earth did that happen?

In 2013...

my sweet husband will turn 30.

our sweet son will turn 2. (TWO?!?!)

I will be 29. one step closer to the big 3-0.

we will be come PARENTS OF TWO.

TWO CHILDREN.  In 8 weeks or possibly less...we will have two little ones.

I am so so excited and so so overwhelmed all at the same time.

Talked a few plans with the doctor at my most recent appointment. We're currently waiting to find out if this girl has gestational diabetes...if I do (BOO)...then the doctor said he would probably deliver me early so that we have a chance to go without a c-section.  I'm trying to trust this will all work itself out and we won't even have to worry about this plan.  But also trying to be realistic about the fact that gestational diabetes babies are big...and we make babies plenty big without that.  So I'm praying no c-section is in our future.  I know all will be fine either way..I just know that those first weeks of living on the second floor with a toddler and an infant...after a csection.  Goodness.  It will be fine.

Either way.  I can't wait to meet this baby.  Brad let me go buy some clothes for baby this week.  I've been looking up strollers.  We're planning to transition Noah to a toddler bed here soon.  So many changes. So much fun.

I am currently trying to cherish every single minute with little man.  It's hard to grasp that all this precious time of snuggles and play will no longer be just he and I, but now with a little baby.  So cool.  I still feel like I'm a teenager sometimes..turns out I'm a mom- of 2.  Eventually I'll get it.  

On another note..about the diabetes thing...I went to have my blood drawn today for a three hour glucose.  They also needed to draw a hemoglobin a1c.  (Another diabetes test) I got a call at 3PM (after I had just left at 12:45) that they forgot to draw my HgbA1c and needed me to come back in.  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  4 sticks today.  That's how many are required for the glucose test.  Four times they drew my blood and they forgot that one.  So now, Noah and I have to go back tomorrow morning to do it again.  :) I'm so excited.  I don't mind the sticks or anything else...more just the inconvenience of having to go back to to the lab with little man.  But pretty sure there are worse things. 

If I am diabetic..I was that patient today..you know, the non-compliant kind.  I ate the WORST foods after I finished...I was starving. 

Also...my job is going well.  Tough, but ok.  So far...I have been kicked off of orientation, had an admission and discharge in the same shift, taken patients to places in the hospital I didn't know existed, had a patient pass away, and today had a sudden change in status of a patient at shift change.  That's in three shifts off orientation.  That may sound like not much..but I feel like I'm treading water.  I was super thankful today because one of my supervisor's came up and said she had heard "good things" about me...which made me hopeful that my coworkers must not think I'm totally useless. YAY!!

That's it for now!  Have a great night!

Small problem.

I missed my blog.  A little.  But the holidays have been oh so busy, which has been fantastic, but boy are we thankful for some time to just rest for a bit before baby Duey joins us.  (Although if we're being honest I'm not sure what rest will be happening as we have not really prepared in the slightest for the little one..oops)

Today though, I think I did a bit of damage to my tail bone.  It's been bothering me since Rox and I went to Evansville to see El...and though I couldn't figure out why I figured I just bruised it or something when we were there?  

Then today we took Noah to this inflatable play place so he could run some energy off and I did something not nice to it.  Wouldn't be concerning to me except that we have a child coming in a little over two months.  (WHOA!) and I hear bad things about injured tail bones and child birth.  Oops.  :) So here's hoping that this bad boy heals.  It's a little embarrassing waddling around because my tailbone is in pain, especially considering otherwise I feel great but I look a bit like I'm 90.  I have to work the next two days too..so we could be in trouble.  

In other news....30 weeks on Thursday!!  I'm so excited!  :)  Can't believe little one will be joining us in 10 weeks.  How did that happen? I can't wait for Noah to meet the baby.  He is IN LOVE with Ella...so I'm super excited to see how he loves on this little one.  I'm back on thinking it's a boy right now...but I'm super focused on a girl name.  I have recently added another to our top two..making it three to choose from for girls..and we have two top boy names which I'm super content with.  

That's about it for tonight..at some point I'll have a photo dump from all the craziness of December..I did the math the other day as I was trying to figure out why I feel like we haven't been settled in a month.  It's because we haven't.  We went to Austin the first weekend, I worked the next,  I went to Evansville the next, and then we were in Lafayette for a week for Christmas, then I worked all weekend this weekend.  Whew.  That's a busy month.  But I'm so thankful because it was fabulous!  On top of all that was starting a new job, Noah in "school," and Brad working too.  Busy busy.  So we're going to enjoy some family time for the next two months.  One trip to Springfield, and hopefully a trip down to Jasper/Evansville to meet sweet baby Olivia, and a trip to Indy hopefully once baby Standeford joins the party, and then it's BABY time! So very excited!  

Ok..done for now.. here's a 29 week belly pic.  Have a great week!

Sweet Memories.

I've had some sweet moments with our little man lately..I'm thankful for these precious times.  

Last night, Noah woke up around 11:30 calling for Mama.  I'm not sure what was happening..I didn't really care..I just took the opportunity for some snuggle time with my boy.  After I sang to him and tried to lay him back down and he wouldn't go, I decided he could watch a bit of a movie with me.  So I turned on a movie and we snuggled, and while Noah was resting his little head on my belly, sweet Baby Duey was kicking Noah. First bonding moment?  Makes my heart so warm.  

Today we worked on making candy for our neighbors.  We made peanut butter buckeyes, and Noah's job was to place them on the cookie sheet.  He did a great job.  He gave his mama some confidence too; I gave him a bite of the filling and he promptly responded with "NUMMY!"  So stinking cute. 

To end our morning...our adventure became less super sweet and a little more nerve wracking.  Someone locked himself in Mama and Daddy's room.  Our locks are the kind where you twist the lock...so I called Brad in a panic and had to confess that Noah had locked him self in our room under my watch.  

GOOD JOB MAMA! 

When I called Brad, I was so at a loss for what to do I was laughing hysterically.  I couldn't control it.  It wasn't even funny to me, but I didn't know what to do.  I had my penlight out and was shining it in the hole and trying to figure out how to get it unlocked.  I kept asking Noah to try to unlock it.  No go! 

Thank goodness for Tom and Rose - Tom heard Brad on the phone with me and got ahold of Rose, and they had the perfect tool for our little man.  I think all in all it was only probably 30 minutes of him being locked in the room.  He did great...made a big ol' mess of the room.  I'm so grateful that Rose had the tool.  I was ready to call the police or the fire station :) but thankfully that was not needed!  

So our little adventurer is getting so big.  I'm just not sure what to do with him! :) I love it!  

So here's the thing.

My craving this pregnancy...donuts.  

ALL THE TIME.  

I don't just want them. I truly think I NEED them.  Today I had to stop and get gas on my way to a class where I would IN NO WAY be burning those donut calories off...but I bought three donuts.  THREE.  I ate every single one too before I even walked into class. (I had visions that I would bring 1 or 2 to class with me to munch on but no luck)

I then felt super proud of myself for eating chicken, carrots, and broccoli for lunch (which was quite delicious, actually, for hospital food). 

But my pride stopped there as I went grocery shopping when the class ended and bought myself a whole container of donut holes (I told myself Noah and I could have them as a special breakfast snack together- but who am I kidding? I don't let that kid have that much sugar- just his mama) 

So I'm a little concerned.  As the doctor gave me my lab slip yesterday morning for my glucose test.  I legitimately fear that this may not go well for me.  I mean the sweets I have been craving are just out of control.  With Noah I craved cupcakes..my coworkers could attest to that...LOTS of cupcakes..but that was kinda it on the sweets front.  This time..if it's sweet I want it.  (Salty too...I also bought chips and queso today at the store) 

I so wish I had the desire or the self control to be one of those pregnant women who really did only eat organic foods and took such great care of herself. 

Sweet baby inside of me..Mama is sorry.  Please don't come out craving donuts.  PLEASE. 

All this to say...Leah Gibson, your blog inspired me.  I told Brad I'm interested in trying to look into this whole gluten/wheat thing after the baby comes.  Let's be real here..it's not happening while I'm pregnant...I'm find it a victory to get a relatively healthy and quick meal on the table every night..so I'm not going to start any new crazy trend.  But please keep blogging about your adventures in this..I'm kinda interested in learning more, and I'm really just not a researcher.

In other news..Noah is hilarious. All the time.  That boy cracks me up.  I LOVE it.  He truly is the best gift we have EVER been blessed with in our life.  I find myself getting tearful sometimes just thinking of how life is going to change for us when he's not our only kiddo anymore.  But the kid is awesome.

Also, I go back and forth every day it seems on whether I think Duey is a boy or girl.  This week I'm back to boy..but as I was looking at baby girl onesies today I almost cried (not an exaggeration I cry easily when pregnant) and got all silly over the fact that this could be a girl.  Praise the Lord, my fears are beginning to subside over the girl thing. Laura S. I would love to get your email to see how you are handling all this with your 2 almost 3 precious little ladies- I've been meaning to comment after yours and keep forgetting! 

That's it for now.  Relaxing now after a fun night of candy making for the neighbors and coworkers with the sweet hubs.  He rocks.  Have a great week!

Just a note

Baby is riding LOW this time.  

Low Rider.  I think that's what I'll call the baby now...just joshin' I'm sticking with Duey.  But still.

I feel like when I sit down it's much tougher to get up than it should be..my belly is big but not that big. Plus I have to use the ladies room.. CONSTANTLY.   TMI?  Sorry. 

I'm not uncomfortable..it's just strange how different each time can be. 

It's funny because last time with sweet Noah I felt like I couldn't breathe when I sat down..this time around I breathe just fine, so I'm thankful for that.  

I can't lie...it makes me suspect that sweet Duey is a girl.  

Also all the wives tales say it's a girl..except for like one - the Chinese Calendar says boy...it said boy with Noah too but I never knew that until this time around.  :) 

I promised the ladies in Austin that I try the drano trick.  Google that bad boy.  It's happening. But only when I can find some drano..because according to Mr. Dave Campise...the king plumber...drano is a terrible terrible thing.  So I hate to waste the money on a big ol' container that will ruin the pipes.  

All that to say..I still maintain I think our little nugget is a boy.  Brad is dead set little one is a girl.  Noah is indifferent.  I keep asking him and he looks at me like I'm crazy.  :) 

That's it for now..soon to come a play by play of our perfect weekend in Austin.  It was beautiful. Truth. 

Have a great night.  4 loads of clean laundry to be folded are calling my name...BOO.